I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
