I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize