Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
