textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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