Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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