I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
