is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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