It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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