I've blown a few things in my day
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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