Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
