Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
