go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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