so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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