Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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