Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
