I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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