i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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