Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
