meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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