YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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