just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
