rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Randomize
