I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
