ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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