I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
