Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
