I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You ruined the universe
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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