I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
