My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Send help, water and tortillas.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
