so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
