I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
