My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
