We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
