thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
