I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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