Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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