Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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