I puked a lego.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
