I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
