hell yes lets make some ravioli
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
