You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
