In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
