I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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