if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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