Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
