Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I want her autograph on my taint
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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