So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
