There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wear drunk well.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
