so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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