I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
