Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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