if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
