I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
