There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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