so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
