I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
